So I might not have anything else ready to post for prompt month. I have some pieces in progress but it’s looking doubtful that I will finish them. After the “Ezekiel as Ezra” drawing I took a break from the art and shifted gears to revision analysis of this novel draft I wrote a couple of years ago.

Ten days later and I have tossed most of it, have a rewritten outline, and I’m ready to write the second draft.

Except I’m not.

For two days now I have procrastinated and avoided and just not started with the writing. This is something of a pattern with me. If I can do things (and often I can’t do anything) but when I can do things, I can do pre-tasks quite well. I can make lists, I can plan, I can be analytical and do prep work. The rewriting of the outline involved a lot of creative thought too, as once I knew what didn’t work I had to come up with something that I hoped would this time. So it’s not like I can’t totally do creative stuff.

I just can’t word.

It somehow makes it real I think which hits me in the subconscious where I am afraid all the time. I am afraid that it will suck again. I am afraid that I will never be able to fix it to my satisfaction. I am afraid that this will all just be wasted effort. I am also afraid that I will be able to write it ok, that I will make it ‘done’ at some point because I am afraid of what comes next and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. So yeah equally afraid of failure and success. Probably overwhelmed too for good measure with all the things I am trying to remember about how to write it better this time (technique wise, not just the content points).

I’m not just like this with words, I am like this with everything. Prep work is fine but the actual thing? My mind runs a million miles in the other direction. Like I want to get better at art but I have some fairly comfortable bad habits and it’s easier to just roll with that, rather than actually tackle the hard work and practice to really improve. I don’t have to face how crap I am without the crutches I lean on. Plus if I don’t ever seriously knuckle down and try, then I don’t have to find out whether it’s impossible for me to get to the skill level I would like.

My whole life is like this. The second anything gets real, or feels important, or has consequences, I start to run. I was good at school until the actual qualification years came about. Then I stopped doing my homework when it was set, and started scrambling to do it the night before. I stopped putting in extra effort and started doing the bare minimum. My classmates thought it was funny and strange as if they shifted it was the other way, to doing better now it mattered.

So I don’t entirely know what to do with myself. I am trying to be gentle and listen to my feelings rather than push and beat myself up, and send myself into a depression spiral (like normal). As that isn’t a behaviour pattern which serves me. It’s one I have practiced and reinforced for over two decades though so hard habit to break. Plus, intellectually knowing something and actually feeling it are two different things. I am annoyed with myself and I wish I could do better, I wish I could be the person I want and not self-sabotage like this. I hate it.

I wish I was better at painting. I feel like it takes me waaaaay longer than it should. So I am a) knackered and b) it limits what projects I can do/number of them even more than my chronic health issues do.

But anyway I have done most of the painting I am doing for Jacen Syndulla week. Quite why my brain latched onto doing this so impulsively I am not sure but it’s a whole thing.

I basically just need to sort out the shading/do some detailing and it’s done. I just hope I don’t mess it up. That’s part of the reason I have quit for the day (it’s mostly because I am knackered), but I am hoping if I look at it tomorrow fresh I will be better able to fix it, than I am now.

I just want to have made something that doesn’t suck for once.

I love it when past!Me gets Me a present.

A while back I got access to 21Draw. They do this ridiculous thing where it’s basically always on sale so they pretend it costs way more than it does. But anyway that has like 30+ video courses on it and half a dozen were using Procreate which I have never done much with.

With that impetus I tried Procreate again but really did not get on with how the pencil felt against the screen. There was no grip and it was just not a good experience in comparison to my graphics tablet. I went googling and discovered PenTips but they are expensive so I just gave up. Especially as I am trying to transition away from digital. But then! PenTips were bringing out Version 2 and discounted their originals to practically nothing so I got a set (there are 5 in the box).

When they arrived I attached the tip to the pencil and promptly did nothing. (In my defence this year has been A LOT)

Well I have been doing a… bit more than a sketch but less than a painting, and apart from the fact that it seems to tank the iPad battery in just a couple of hours it’s been quite relaxing. I can see myself using it a lot more as it’s so quick. I don’t have to get out materials or set the graphics tablet up/turn the PC on etc. it’s literally just sit down and go.

The PenTip makes the experience so much better. It’s not tip-tapping and slipping on the screen anymore.

So yeah thanks past!Me.

Ok I am cheating and using PoseMuse as a quick reference for basically a T-pose set to do an “alternate outfit” sketch for Sabine.

I have the basic sketch. I need to clean up the line work and colour it. I am so damn slow with this. Unsure whether to blame that I am using Procreate which I don’t do all that often, or just my general lack of skill.

But now I have started so I guess I will do this thing.

I have so many art projects on my list at the moment due to the various prompt months. But I can’t shake the feeling that I am still doing it wrong. That I need to forget drawing what I care about and go back to basics or I will never properly learn. I am so damn impatient /sigh.

I really can’t draw but I also feel like I should metaphorically speaking “put my money where my mouth is” re: Sabine’s outfit. If I think something else would have been better I should try and show that.

I do have ideas 🙃

If only I wasn’t so damn tired /sigh

There’s AI discourse going around again, and I know I am contributing to it venting here but just ugh.

Like I love what I have seen because every post has been slamming AI and saying it’s theft and yes 100% agree. I like that I am not alone in hating the idea. It’s ironic now but I always had such comfort that a “creative job” would always exist because there would a) always be a need for it (whether I am good enough or marketable is a whole other thing, but humans need art), and b) it wasn’t something that could be done by a machine…. boy do I feel silly now.

But that’s kinda my point a bit. I hate remembering that AI exists that can do art. Yes I know there are logical arguments for why it won’t necessarily replace human creatives but I am cynical I guess. I already have a daily battle that I don’t feel like I will ever be good enough. Now I have to battle an additional mental demon of “what’s the point?” as maybe AI can’t do everything yet but the more the machine feeds, the better it gets, and exponentially so ‘one day’ is soon-ish. No telling how soon but it feels soon.

I am a more practiced writer than I am an artist but I don’t delude myself that I’m that great at either. Chronic fatigue is a real problem for me. Not sure how physical it is, it could just be mental from the depression/anxiety, but it gets in my way regardless. I need to put in a lot of work to improve, and I am so tired. It all feels pointless and a computer is already better than me. And yes I am feeling sorry for myself.

A big part of why I attempt to write and draw is because I have stories/images in my head and I want them to be real. Like most creatives probably, reality never matches my mind and that’s disappointing. Creating is a hard gig and that’s before the AI bullshit. But I keep trying because I want to produce my ideas. So I totally get that will always be there for me. That I can keep trying to make stuff no matter what AI is doing. But I also want to share, to be seen. I also – sometimes- try to dream about a future for myself. In this world where everything is about profit margins, and nobody pays for anything if they don’t have to, if AI can make something ‘serviceable’ in an instant, who would pay a human to make something? Presuming of course I can ever get my work to a level where anyone would ever pay anyway. I realise I can share for free but I also like to pay bills.

So yeah today I am sharing the misery I guess. Because everytime I see talk about AI (even good talk slamming it), it reminds me that it exists and I go in a despairing, demoralised spiral.

I suppose at its core. I so desperately want to be good enough. For reality to come close to matching the imagination. But I am held back by my mental demons and by being so tired. I need to have more stamina. But all I see is this huge mountain of work in front of me. All the practice I need to do to even hope of getting good enough. And it really does feel like time is running out. Who will even care anymore?


I feel so sad whenever I see people talk about being late to make fanart..

This isnt school + fanart doesn’t have a due date + fandom doesn’t expire + your art will have its place in the world + i love you

(via silversaurian)

#I know this feeling though it’s like the moment has passed#I think maybe it’s an audience thing#like I can make whatever I want whenever for me but if I miss the swell of a moment then people might not care as much#making art can be so lonely like I pour my heart and soul and my limited skills to do the absolute best I can and it takes hours and hours#and then quite often it’s just *crickets* or a few likes and if I am super lucky one comment#I think artists just want to be SEEN because screaming into the void is discouraging after a while#I really love the reassurance in this post though and I will repeat it to myself when I falter

So for StarTrekFemSlash week I am contemplating:

Seven and Raffi – obviously – I mean in my heart they are kinda “the main event” hehehe.

Keyla Detmer and Joann Owosekun (Jola) – because they are so obviously canon despite not being canon and deserve all the love.

Seven and B’elanna – because I hadn’t really thought about it until I saw some people talking about it and then yeah, I liked the idea.

Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax – just because I don’t know it’s fun and certainly better than most of their canon boyfriends that I have seen (not quite reached season 4 yet as apparently Worf joins in season 4 and I am trying to watch all of TNG first).

Not sure what I will manage (especially with my current health) but I like turning the possibilities over in my brain.

To be honest sometimes I think I like contemplating projects more than putting in the work to make them real 🤣 after all there is endless potential in the unrealised – it could be great! – rather than the sad reality of my skills or lack thereof 🙃

Anyway I watched a really amazing YouTube video recently which broke down art into various skills in a very clear and understandable way. I have always tried to make the best final product I can which means a lot of ‘cheating’ in terms of some basic foundational skills. I trace rather than properly understand form etc. So I am thinking thinky thoughts about how to move forward in my art journey and whether I can bear to produce something that looks worse, but is done without the crutches and will therefore hopefully develop my skill longterm.

I suppose as my absolute dream is to be able to pick up a pencil and just draw something. I really should work on those foundational skills or I will never be able to do that.

Considering looking back at the utter garbage drawings I posted a few years ago (I did one that took me like 30 hours but was appalling for a gift exchange!!) I am so embarrassed. But maybe as I did that perhaps I should not worry so much about moving into a more ‘natural’ drawing area and it not being so good with proportions etc. while I practice to improve. I don’t know.

Librarians prompt month list is also up and I think 18/30 prompts speak to me on some level. So that will be interesting. Again not sure what I will manage to do and the deadline for that is July posting, whereas I think the Trek is September? So I need to organise myself accordingly.

Now if I could just stop feeling so damn tired that would be helpful!

magicmumu2 asked: 


Thank you for the ask! ❤️

Share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

I’m not really writing at the moment at all. I’ve been in a bad place mentally for most of this year. I had such big plans too which is gutting. My first priority was to finish my NaNo novel from last year. I do love that story. It’s Book One of a steampunk trilogy. Inspired by Bering and Wells 😉 I’ve not got very far towards finishing it, there’s at least 30k left as it’s going to be long. I think 100k when it’s done. No idea when I will be in the mental space to get back to it.

I have been trying to do art. Though that hasn’t been going all that well either. The Year of the OTP gave me so many ideas, and I got a Leverage Bingo card (more ideas) and I already had so many. Plus with how season three of Picard went I am fairly desperate to make something Saffi related to ease my heart. Seven and Raffi deserved better dammit.

A big problem is actually picking the project. I am better with deadlines. Case in point today I did actually post for the Bering and Wells Big Bang. Unfortunately the Bingo deadline is nearly up and I have mentally written it off already 🙄

So many ideas and so few spoons. Plus I keep putting stuff off in the hope I will develop my skills, so when I do the thing, I might actually do it justice. I had a bunch of Saffi ideas last year that I never drew because I wanted to improve first. A year later (still not improved due to lack of practice as I have not done the courses I said I should do first) and yeeeeah no further forward.

Anyway I was supposed to be saying about what excited me about a WIP and this is a ramble in actually trying to work out what the hell that could be. My apologies.

I suppose what I like about the art WIPs is breaking out the supplies. I have a lot of mental resistance to starting but it is so satisfying seeing something I made on paper. It didn’t exist and then I made marks and now there’s a picture. Probably not a very good picture but it’s still making something from nothing. I get a bit of a thrill from that. It’s like magic 🙂

Year of the OTP – January Edition

So the prompts this month are:

first kiss | mission fic | fake dating | “whenever I look at you…” | snow | historical au

Now I refuse to open my fanfic ideas list because I’m not doing that anymore. I know I had some fics that probably would have worked but NOT. DOING. IT. (maybe if I say it enough I will stop being tempted idk).

Anyway some of these prompts do just work much better for fic because they are hard to capture visually BUT some would be absolutely fine for art.

The PROBLEM is what I already have on my plate. The Bering and Wells exchange, the Leverage Bingo card, the ton of projects that have been on my list for months and I haven’t got to yet etc. Do I really need new ideas for projects that jump the queue? No. Do I have them anyway? *stares at the camera like I’m on the Office*

I have 3 potential thoughts (ok I may have found some references for all of them).

1) Historical AU
Sanctuary OT3. Not going to lie I’m taking inspiration from Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey. It’s the hood and the shadow, I don’t know my brain just went “hmm?” when I was looking for possible historical eras. As obviously the issue with Sanctuary is it has as canon all of recent history. A fan favourite of Regency doesn’t feel so far removed from the late 1800’s so it’s not as cool, hence looking for something else. This is probably more mission-related in concept than overtly shippy. It’s just how my brain imagined it.

2) Historical AU
I know same prompt but I was thinking about my ships and my brain is very much “Bering and Wells” at the moment. I have the piece for the exchange (which isn’t this) and so it’s not like that ship is neglected in art but ehhh. I was feeling Ancient Egypt perhaps with Warehouse 2 vibes. Not going to lie probably going to pick up some inspiration from Assassin’s Creed: Origins. This one is also going to have a kiss.

3) Mission + Snow
Then there is a Sanctuary concept of Helen surrounded by abnomals near the mouth of a cave in a snowy mountain. My problem with this is my brain is only really seeing Helen, so it’s not very OTP. Perhaps this one won’t count for the challenge and will just go on my regular idea list (of which there are MANY) idk.

So that’s my thoughts. Whether I will do any of it, let alone all of it, is uknown at this time but we shall see. Maybe One Day TM haha.